Have you ever found yourself wondering if you look good enough or if you properly dressed? Or what to say if someone ask you, what do you think about emigration crisis? Have you ever noticed that, before you do something, you consider how it will affect your image in the eyes of other people? Have you ever felt that this image is more valuable than real you, because there’s no chance that real you can be liked to the same extend?
Do you know what is one of the saddest things to me? These types of questions typed in google: what do guys like? How to be liked? What men attract women? How to make people laugh? In fact, they all come down to one question: How should I be? You tube ‘psychologists’ often try to answer this question, while they advise you on how to be charismatic, and what perfumes choose to match your personality. More sadly, many people fall for it. The truth is that there is no such a thing as perfect formula by which you will learn what the best business idea is, how to write a bestseller, or how to make every guy fall in love with you.
The fact that we try to find ourselves in the expectations of other people is associated with the way we are brought up. Not only by parents, but by society. Even if we think that we are free from any of conventions or patterns of behavior, some part of us has already been programmed. Some part of us want to fit. Everywhere.
Now, don’t get me wrong – of course need to belong is natural part of us being humans, is absolutely natural and according to social psychology it condition many human behaviors. Writing about it I do not mean a sense of social identity or a healthy sense of belonging to certain groups. There’s a difference between fitting in and belonging.
What I mean here, are situations that are beyond common sense. Situations, where we force ourselves to live in specific split, because the face we show to the world is not our real face. We create some kind of avatar in order to be accepted. To fit it. But I tell you one thing – you’re not a piece of puzzle. You don’t need to fit it.
I worked in a perfumery some time ago, and do you know what the most common question people choosing fragrances was? It was: What’s popular? To me, a perfume freak, it was inconceivable! It was like – fuck my taste, fuck what I might like – let’s buy something trendy, what everyone likes! Sadly, it can be an allegory about other areas of our lives.
Have you heard about bandwagon effect? It's a tendency people have to adopt a certain behavior, style, or attitude influenced by the pressure and norms exerted by groups.It can impact wide spectrum of human behaviors.
I’m sure we’ve all been there. I experienced it myself over many stages of my life. Sometimes I was too smart, sometimes I was too awkward, sometimes too shy, sometimes too ‘rude’. Among my close friends so often I felt too ‘dressed’, on the other hand, while I worked in beauty industry, I always felt too hippie.
I remember on my first make up job I was asked Which Kardashian is your favorite? Holy Shit, I had no idea there is more than one!
Does it mean that I don’t fit anywhere? No, rather that I’m unique human being. And yes, I still feel often that I stand out in many situations and contexts, with people and their perception of everything. And this is ok. It’s a pity that it took me so long to understand this.
Need of fitting in is sick. It does nothing but damage. The fact that each of us is different is the basis for individual development.
When I created my skincare brand, and went out there with all social media posts etc., one person told me that I have to change brand image, because it’s too dark, and not everyone will like it. Well, the thing is: I didn’t create it so everyone like it. I create it to fulfill my own vision and to express what I like and believe. Surely, it doesn’t sell in millions, but you know what? I have this great satisfaction that I created something real and I don’t mislead, in any way, people who buy my products.
It’s worth realizing that what’s good don’t have to please everyone.
This apply to everything – you can’t go out there and suit everyone. Instead, go inside and focus on what is real in you. Your inner self is the only individual that you have to get along with.